In my previous post, I began to go into the routines and subsequent underlying rigid behavior that I'm very aware of in my life. I realize that everyone develops routines. It is not something unique to an aspergian. What is unique, is the difficulty in breaking from those routines without some advance notice. Even as little as a few hours warning is usually sufficient for me to maintain my composure and not feel like my world has been turned upside down. I prefer however, to have at least a day-maybe two days notice before making changes to my daily routine. This often isn't possible, and so I end up pushing myself through uncomfortable situations whether I like it or not. Having made it this far in life without an understanding as to why I need these advance notices shows me that it is possible to function in almost any situation, however uncomfortable with little to no time to prepare. Its not easy, don't misunderstand me here...and I do recall many situations I have completely avoided as a result of not being able to prepare for.
I'm going to use the example of my obsession with long distance hiking to make my point.
I love to go out and hike when I get the chance. Not short, loops or out and backs so much as thru-hikes which is defined as Walking a trail from trailhead to trailhead usually over its entire length. There is something about this concept of travelling a long distance on foot without seeing the same rock twice that appeals to me. As some of you know, I have attempted to hike the pacific crest national scenic trail two seasons in a row. Both times I have only been able to get in just about one thousand miles of trail before calling it quits. Gear and supplies aside, The preparation involved is immense. It takes me many weeks to become mentally prepared to leave behind my safe, predictable life at home and go out and adjust to living in a tent and not sleeping in the same place every night. Once I'm adjusted to trail life, its okay and life goes on pretty much without any problems. The only major issue I have while out there is going into town to resupply. Luckily, have plenty of alone time to mentally prepare myself for the event. In some cases, I can't wait to get to town. In others, I wish I could keep moving and never have to deal with the stress of strangers and the noise associated with town stops.
My big problem is and always has been how to feed myself. I do OK, but its an huge challenge most of the time and I end up losing so much weight from not eating enough that my body shuts down and my mental health deteriorates. I try to think ahead and plan for the upcoming trip to the local grocery in whatever town I happen to be in however, its as if everything I worked out in my mind suddenly becomes lost in the stress of the actual trip into the grocery store.
I'm probably not making much sense...this is just how my mind works. In fact, earlier I was thinking about this blog entry and had some great way to explain this. Unfortunately, it never made it out of my head and onto the screen because I was distracted onto something else completely.
This leads me to my backcountry routine, which everyone who has ever spent any time with me on trail marvels at while they watch me methodically repeat the exact same steps and procedures every single day from sun up to sun down, Mile by mile. I can't describe it to you, but I can show you as its so ingrained in my being, that its automatic-regardless of whether I've just started the trail or I'm on day 35. I will say that I have a set way of laying laying out my gear both inside and outside of my tent. I have perfected the art of packing my pack, preparing a campsite, STAYING CLEAN, and transitioning myself from Paul to Alphabetsoup. This last step is the most important as its a unique mask I can put on to hide myself from the world. Another positive to this is everyone (mostly) that I meet while hiking is after the same goal which makes it very easy to be social. That being said, I will now dive into something else related.
Single mindedness, obsession with one or two topics of interest, and communication.
These three traits appear to me, to go hand-in-hand. First of all, ask anyone close to me what I'm passion about. You will likely get the same answers. It is very easy for me to talk to people for hours about hiking. I can only guess that I bore some people with it. Some might say I'm overly obsessed with it. Thankfully, I have a group of folks who are like-minded and usually oblige me from time to time with stimulating conversation about backpacking and hiking and all it entails!
On the other side of the spectrum is my difficulty being able to talk about ordinary subjects without having to first be led into it by another person. Otherwise, its very likely I will remain very quiet and be in my own world-as it may be- because its very likely I'm not interested in what you have to say.
Please, don't take any of the things I have written about personally. Believe me, I do enough of that for everyone I know but, I swallow it and keep it to myself to maintain civility among friends.
One last thing before I publish.
I realise that many people experience a lot of the same things from time to time, I guess the big difference is that many things I've discussed here come naturally to most people. I on the other hand have had to work extra hard throughout my life to learn some very basic, automatic communication skills which my fellow neurotypical counterparts take for granted. I still have great difficulty with social situations but I'm good enough to pass for normal most of the time.
My next entry will continue to explore the topic of traits and quirks. There are many and its a gonna take some time to get through them. I hope your enjoying reading this, as I'm enjoying sharing this very personal side of my life with the world. My goal is to learn about myself so that I can better function in the world outside of the comfort of my home.
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