Let me clarify...

My previous post about traits and quirks was a little difficult to follow. I purposely have not went back to edit my writings as a way to show just how difficult it can be for me to talk to people. Usually, I will re-read and rewrite my stories and letters until they sound organized, clear and concise. This is probably the one thing I have the most difficulty with in social settings where I am trying to become engaged in conversation. With writing, I can take all the time I need to come up with the words I'm looking for. In conversations, if I'm not terribly interested in what's being discussed I find words don't easily  make it from my brain to mouth in time to actually make sense. Before any snap judgements are made, I'm average to above average IQ, and have a lot of common sense. The problems are not with vocabulary but with vocalizing words at the right time i n the course of the conversation. Often, I need extra time to come up with a response and when I do get it, its too late and will come out at the wrong time.

As I explore myself and traits over time, one thing will be clear: I have adapted very well and have learned most of what I need to know in order to appear normal in most social settings. Generally, I will remain quiet unless spoken to when I'm not comfortable with new people. I find this to be the case, even when I'm around people I know well and there are strangers within earshot. I'm constantly worried I will say the wrong thing, or offend someone or embarrass myself. Still worse, is the thought that I may sound stupid, dumb or uneducated about what's being discussed. Usually, this is the case when I'm trying to have conversation about something non-educational such as the current gossip, or what's playing at the movies this week.

When the conversation is educational in nature, or directly related to one of my skills or interests, you will likely find I'm highly engaged-whether I know anything about it or not. Many people have called me a walking encyclopedia and, when presented with a question I don't have the answer to, I immediately seek it out. Ever since I opened myself up to mobile internet a few years ago, I'm constantly researching and answering those questions that come up through the day. Like anyone else though, I only recall the information when something triggers it. Still, my mind is like a computer hard drive-full of useless information sitting in wait for someone to search it out. If I'm in a group and being quiet, its likely I working on something in my mind, or just tuning out and waiting for the opportunity to participate.

Here's the short of it....

Interested-talkative
Uninterested-quiet
Uncomfortable usually becomes angst, turning to anxiety leading to looking for an excuse to sneak away quietly and not always saying anything to anyone that I'm leaving. (Something I've learned is rude and try not to do yet once in a while I still run out of the room quickly and quietly)

Sometimes I'm fine...just depends on environmental factors, comfort level and peoples energy... its not easy to describe this to you.

Next time, I will explore sensitivity issues and empathy.

One of my new favorite TV shows is on, so this is it for now.

Traits and Quirks...continued

In my previous post, I began to go into the routines and subsequent underlying rigid behavior that I'm very aware of in my life. I realize that everyone develops routines. It is not something unique to an aspergian. What is unique, is the difficulty in breaking from those routines without some advance notice. Even as little as a few hours warning is usually sufficient for me to maintain my composure and not feel like my world has been turned upside down. I prefer however, to have at least a day-maybe two days notice before making changes to my daily routine. This often isn't possible, and so I end up pushing myself through uncomfortable situations whether I like it or not. Having made it this far in life without an understanding as to why I need these advance notices shows me that it is possible to function in almost any situation, however uncomfortable with little to no time to prepare. Its not easy, don't misunderstand me here...and I do recall many situations I have completely avoided as a result of not being able to prepare for.

I'm going to use the example of my obsession with long distance hiking to make my point.

I love to go out and hike when I get the chance. Not short, loops or out and backs so much as thru-hikes which is defined as  Walking a trail from trailhead to trailhead usually over its entire length. There is something about this concept of travelling a long distance on foot without seeing the same rock twice that appeals to me. As some of you know, I have attempted to hike the pacific crest national scenic trail two seasons in a row. Both times I have only been able to get in just about one thousand miles of trail before calling it quits. Gear and supplies aside,  The preparation involved is immense. It takes me many weeks to become mentally prepared to leave behind my safe, predictable life at home and go out and adjust to living in a tent and not sleeping in the same place every night. Once I'm adjusted to trail life, its okay and life goes on pretty much without any problems. The only major issue I have while out there is going into town to resupply. Luckily, have plenty of alone time to mentally prepare myself for the event. In some cases, I can't wait to get to town. In others, I wish I could keep moving and never have to deal with the stress of strangers and the noise associated with town stops.

My big problem is and always has been how to feed myself. I do OK, but its an huge challenge most of the time and I end up losing so much weight from not eating enough that my body shuts down and my mental health deteriorates. I try to think ahead and plan for the upcoming trip to the local grocery in whatever town I happen to be in however, its as if everything I worked out in my mind suddenly becomes lost in the stress of the actual trip into the grocery store.

I'm probably not making much sense...this is just how my mind works. In fact, earlier I was thinking about this blog entry and had some great way to explain this. Unfortunately, it never made it out of my head and onto the screen because I was distracted onto something else completely.

This leads me to my backcountry  routine, which everyone who has ever spent any time with me on trail marvels at while they watch me methodically repeat the exact same steps and procedures every single day from sun up to sun down, Mile by mile. I can't describe it to you, but I can show you as its so ingrained in my being, that its automatic-regardless of whether I've just started the trail or I'm on day 35. I will say that I have a set way of laying laying out my gear both inside and outside of my tent.  I have perfected the art of packing my pack, preparing a campsite,  STAYING CLEAN, and transitioning myself from Paul to Alphabetsoup. This last step is the most important as its a unique mask I can put on to hide myself from the world. Another positive to this is everyone (mostly) that I meet while hiking is after the same goal which makes it very easy to be social. That being said, I will now dive into something else related.

Single mindedness, obsession with one or two topics of interest, and communication.

These three traits appear to me, to go hand-in-hand. First of all, ask anyone close to me what I'm passion about. You will likely get the same answers. It is very easy for me to talk to people for hours about hiking. I can only guess that I bore some people with it. Some might say I'm overly obsessed with it. Thankfully, I have a group of folks who are like-minded and usually oblige me from time to time with stimulating conversation about backpacking and hiking and all it entails! 

On the other side of the spectrum is my difficulty being able to talk about ordinary subjects without having to first be led into it by another person.  Otherwise, its very likely I will remain very quiet and be in my own world-as it may be- because its very likely I'm not interested in what you have to say.

Please, don't take any of the things I have written about personally. Believe me, I do enough of that for everyone I know but, I swallow it and keep it to myself to maintain civility among friends. 

One last thing before I publish.

I realise that many people experience a lot of the same things from time to time, I guess the big difference is that many things I've discussed here come naturally to most people. I on the other hand have had to work extra hard throughout my life to learn some very basic, automatic communication skills which my fellow neurotypical counterparts take for granted.  I still have great difficulty with social situations but I'm good enough to pass for normal most of the time.

My next entry will continue to explore the topic of traits and quirks. There are many and its a gonna take some time to get through them. I hope your enjoying reading this, as I'm enjoying sharing this very personal side of my life with the world. My goal is to learn about myself so that I can better function in the world outside of the comfort of my home.

Traits and Quirks

Traveling abroad is a difficult, yet eye opening experience for me. I've gotten so comfortable in my home environment that I had no idea just how much difficulty I really have with social situations, crowds and changes in my daily routine. I know that I usually prefer to be alone, and I'm OK with that. I really do enjoy my own company. At least I know what to expect with myself, there's no pressure to engage in mindless chit chat, which I find difficult anyway. Many who know me and know me well probably would beg to differ with me on this and many other "Aspie traits" I've come to discover which I possess. My trip to England, showed me where I'm really at with my comfort level. I learned just how much work I have invested into carving my life out of a neurotypical world. I was barely able to function out in the crowds of the city for more than a few hours a day before becoming mentally exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed. I also learned how much I really love my solitude and personal space. How much I value living a very simple, highly organized life free from the unwritten rules that most in society seem to be able to handle automatically and without much stress.

Many have tried to help me, some more than others. Of course, when you really have no idea what is in front of you, its hard to move forward. That's part of the beauty of learning about my hidden aspie. I finally feel as though I can plot a course through life now without wondering why its so difficult to get to the end of the tunnel every day. Yes, I'm making a play on a pun. Get over it!

I mentioned that I've recognized traits which I have come to realize I have. Now its time to begin to write them down and see them as words on the screen. Some how I feel like this will make it easier for me to begin to learn to recognize them and move towards a more peaceful existence with myself.

First, I crave order, organization and simplicity in my little world.

Now there's nothing here that seems to have a serious negative effect on my life, but it does have an effect on those close to me-namely my friend/roommate whom takes my quirks in stride. I love him dearly, and want nothing more than for him to feel comfortable in our home. I realize that sometimes I make it very hard for him and I honestly don't mean to do this. If your wondering how this is possibly a problem here's three words to chew over...obsessive compulsive behavior... I use the term behavior because I'm not hard core OCD, but there's enough of it in me to make me aware and I don't like the word disorder.

Second,

Social phobia/anxiety is a major problem for me.

Again, I do well with those whom I know and who know me. Where I have problems is with meeting new people, being in crowds and dating...to name a few. I also have difficulty walking into a room full of people who are already seated (auditoriums, theatres, etc) unless the lights are dim-to dark and I only have to get to the seat at the back of the room. I wish I could tell you how these kind of situations make me feel. The best way I can describe it is there's a helium balloon in my chest and it gets bigger and bigger inside me, and I get very hot, begin to sweat and get tunnel vision. Sometimes, I simply turn around and run back out of the room.

This is not just something that happens in public, but also during online chats with people I'm not familiar with. I recently attempted to put myself back out into the dating scene and quickly realized I couldn't do it. More on this later..-

Now, this leads me into my theory as to how I have managed to get through up until now without too much difficulty.

Social Lubricants: primarily alcohol, and for a few years, hard street drugs; Crystal meth in particular made it easy for me to fit in and have a social life. I suppose I probably knew this back then at least to some extent anyway. However, today I know this all too well to be a fact. I could go into this in depth, but I'm certain its fairly self explanatory and so, I won't bore you with the deeper meaning and supporting story....

today, a couple of beers is about all I need to loosen up, as long as I'm not by myself...otherwise, you will find me sitting in my home researching something or staring at the TV most evenings. Its been so long since I've had the courage to venture out to a bar solo that most of the time, I pull up to the curb, open the door, see the people, start to tense up then chicken out and go home. Never mind it took an immense amount of energy just to get to this point so its an incredible disappointment to me when I do this. All I want is to be able to go out and make new friends...

this leads me to another trait,

I usually make no effort to maintain friendships.

Its not that I do this on purpose... I honestly don't. It has taken me many, many years to get to the point where I could show my current friends the same courtesy they show me and take the initiative to call them. Even then, its not easy. I usually have to rehearse in my head the possible chain of events that may or may not happen as a result of making contact. Its complicated and I will explain more on this one later.

Another related trait is my apparent disregard for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc...

They are nothing more than just another day to me. If I happen to be reminded, its a different story...After 37 years I'm a little better about it, but not much... Sorry...get over it... I'm probably not gonna call you on your birthday. Just ask mom, she will tell you...!

And now, On to Routines...

I've got a current routine that I'm pretty well adjusted to and I do not veer away from it very often unless I'm travelling or have a client or I'm out hiking. Then, each of those  situations have their very own set routine I have pretty much worked out to a science.

Travelling is the least restrictive, as the reason I'm doing the trip is to breakup the monotonous routines I've developed. Work is work, and I struggle through if its short term, but long term I incorporate it into my normal daily routine.

When I'm hiking, I'm truly in my element... which I'm certain is my current "interest" I will get into this in a later post. For now, I think its time to end this entry and get ready for bed soon...

</div>

Meltdowns really suck-or- am i just frustrated?

Either way, I work very hard to prevent situations which lead to episodes of over stimulation and high anxiety. Okay, suppose I  should fill in the missing parts here...

As a disclaimer, names will be withheld as its not important who , more the reason as to why I had a full on aspie meltdown last night will be the primary focus and I'm not even sure why it happened. Under normal circumstances, a debate about the meaning of a word should be a no brainer. If Merriam-Webster says it means x, and another dictionary confirms it case closed right? Well, no. Unfortunately this would not be the case. Mind you, it me who's verifying the meaning of the word in question not once, but three times all together getting the same result. Now its not necessarily the debate as to the definition of a word which caused me to meltdown, rather my literal interpretation of the conversation surrounding the debate. The information was flowing too quickly to process it all fast enough to make sense of it. Basically, If the conversation is highly charged, and moving too quick I have difficulty knowing when not to interrupt, therefore causing information to pile up on top of itself so-to-speak. Before long, I'm feeling like someone has inflated a balloon in my chest, my heart rate increases rapidly and speaking gets quicker. Then I'm up on my feet pacing and stimming wildly while at the same time searching for the word---STOP and realizing its stuck somewhere between my brain and mouth.
Finally, I manage to get the words out while digging for an ativan to calm me down. After some pacing and more stimming I finally go to the shower to isolate for a little while and allow things to cool down. Then I do the dishes, apologize to my friend and suddenly things begin to calm down. I make my way under the heaviness of the blankets on my bed-which I only realized recently is something I've always "needed" to sleep soundly. Heavy blankets. For some reason, they make me feel secure, calm and help me to relax.

hopefully this scenario won't happen again as its very unsettling to me. In fact, I'm not even sure until recently that I knew I worked so hard, on a conscious level to avoid these very situations.  Of course, reality tells me that it will most likely happen again but maybe next time, I can see it coming and remove myself from the activity which is causing the over stimulation in the first place.

A list of words and their definition as to how they apply to this blog will be included periodically for reference and understanding..

Aspie- a person with aspergers syndrome
Stimming- a repetitive body movement such as hand flapping used as a way to release energy from over stimulation

The more I read...the more it all makes sense

Just a quick entry, as it is very late and I have to catch a train to Edinburgh, Scotland in the morning. Oh yes, I should mention that I am on a two week trip to the UK at the moment.

This trip has actually been a great excuse for me to research and read articles as I need down time to recover from the massive crowds  I find myself in. I can only be out for a few hours a day before I just begin to get so exhausted I feel like collapse is imminent. Anyhow, I just read some great blogs bout poor muscle tone in aspies. I have always wondered why I couldn't hold anything in my hands above my body very long without my muscles beginning to tremble and ache then causing me to drop whatever was in my hand.

This is still then case, despite having some strength training to increase muscle tone. If only Aspie were diagnosed when I was a child, perhaps I could have done something's to keep from having so many bad joint problems,which are probably related to having poor muscle tone.

Well, that's it for now, as its nearly midnight (UK time)

OK, here's a couple more links to blogs I've been reading which are great reads...enjoy!

http://www.aspiestrategy.com/

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.co.uk/

Enlightenment

A few weeks ago while watching an episode of Rock Center with Bryan Williams one of his stories caught my attention. It was on the subject of Aspergers Syndrome-a form of autism. as the story progresses i begin to notice certain similarities between the person whom was the subject of the interview, and myself.
I immediately search out the online quiz to see if there was indeed a correlation between my isolated anti-social, behavior and this thing called aspergers. well, as it turns out I discover I am on the Autism Spectrum. the next few days are spent attempting to debunk this theory. instead, I find myself within the pages of countless websites and blogs dedicated to Aspies-people with aspergers. my life begins to unfold before my eyes.

I decide to discuss these discoveries with a close friend in hopes of getting some clarity. As it turns out, my friend knows a great deal about this subject and she asks me a few key questions which i promptly respond to with as much accuracy as possible. she writes me back indicating i may be on the right track.

after a conversation with my mom about my childhood, i discover that, had autism been on the radar during the 70s that i would have been diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder.

this blog, is my attempt to write about my new awareness, how i have been able to mature into adulthood with it and what it means to my future as I learn to understand my inner Aspie and how it affects me and the people in my life!

I'm being purposely vague with this initial post, as there is an incredible amount of information running through my mind which must be sorted and understood better, prior to writing about the details.

i would like to ask anyone who is willing, to write to me and tell me about me in honest, sincere terms. I'm on a journey to find myself and i need your help!


If you need some reference as to what its like to be Aspie, i recommend the following website. its about the most informative ive come across thus far.

http://insideperspectives.wordpress.com/


-Alphabetsoup (aka Paul)