Traveling abroad is a difficult, yet eye opening experience for me. I've gotten so comfortable in my home environment that I had no idea just how much difficulty I really have with social situations, crowds and changes in my daily routine. I know that I usually prefer to be alone, and I'm OK with that. I really do enjoy my own company. At least I know what to expect with myself, there's no pressure to engage in mindless chit chat, which I find difficult anyway. Many who know me and know me well probably would beg to differ with me on this and many other "Aspie traits" I've come to discover which I possess. My trip to England, showed me where I'm really at with my comfort level. I learned just how much work I have invested into carving my life out of a neurotypical world. I was barely able to function out in the crowds of the city for more than a few hours a day before becoming mentally exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed. I also learned how much I really love my solitude and personal space. How much I value living a very simple, highly organized life free from the unwritten rules that most in society seem to be able to handle automatically and without much stress.
Many have tried to help me, some more than others. Of course, when you really have no idea what is in front of you, its hard to move forward. That's part of the beauty of learning about my hidden aspie. I finally feel as though I can plot a course through life now without wondering why its so difficult to get to the end of the tunnel every day. Yes, I'm making a play on a pun. Get over it!
I mentioned that I've recognized traits which I have come to realize I have. Now its time to begin to write them down and see them as words on the screen. Some how I feel like this will make it easier for me to begin to learn to recognize them and move towards a more peaceful existence with myself.
First, I crave order, organization and simplicity in my little world.
Now there's nothing here that seems to have a serious negative effect on my life, but it does have an effect on those close to me-namely my friend/roommate whom takes my quirks in stride. I love him dearly, and want nothing more than for him to feel comfortable in our home. I realize that sometimes I make it very hard for him and I honestly don't mean to do this. If your wondering how this is possibly a problem here's three words to chew over...obsessive compulsive behavior... I use the term behavior because I'm not hard core OCD, but there's enough of it in me to make me aware and I don't like the word disorder.
Second,
Social phobia/anxiety is a major problem for me.
Again, I do well with those whom I know and who know me. Where I have problems is with meeting new people, being in crowds and dating...to name a few. I also have difficulty walking into a room full of people who are already seated (auditoriums, theatres, etc) unless the lights are dim-to dark and I only have to get to the seat at the back of the room. I wish I could tell you how these kind of situations make me feel. The best way I can describe it is there's a helium balloon in my chest and it gets bigger and bigger inside me, and I get very hot, begin to sweat and get tunnel vision. Sometimes, I simply turn around and run back out of the room.
This is not just something that happens in public, but also during online chats with people I'm not familiar with. I recently attempted to put myself back out into the dating scene and quickly realized I couldn't do it. More on this later..-
Now, this leads me into my theory as to how I have managed to get through up until now without too much difficulty.
Social Lubricants: primarily alcohol, and for a few years, hard street drugs; Crystal meth in particular made it easy for me to fit in and have a social life. I suppose I probably knew this back then at least to some extent anyway. However, today I know this all too well to be a fact. I could go into this in depth, but I'm certain its fairly self explanatory and so, I won't bore you with the deeper meaning and supporting story....
today, a couple of beers is about all I need to loosen up, as long as I'm not by myself...otherwise, you will find me sitting in my home researching something or staring at the TV most evenings. Its been so long since I've had the courage to venture out to a bar solo that most of the time, I pull up to the curb, open the door, see the people, start to tense up then chicken out and go home. Never mind it took an immense amount of energy just to get to this point so its an incredible disappointment to me when I do this. All I want is to be able to go out and make new friends...
this leads me to another trait,
I usually make no effort to maintain friendships.
Its not that I do this on purpose... I honestly don't. It has taken me many, many years to get to the point where I could show my current friends the same courtesy they show me and take the initiative to call them. Even then, its not easy. I usually have to rehearse in my head the possible chain of events that may or may not happen as a result of making contact. Its complicated and I will explain more on this one later.
Another related trait is my apparent disregard for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc...
They are nothing more than just another day to me. If I happen to be reminded, its a different story...After 37 years I'm a little better about it, but not much... Sorry...get over it... I'm probably not gonna call you on your birthday. Just ask mom, she will tell you...!
And now, On to Routines...
I've got a current routine that I'm pretty well adjusted to and I do not veer away from it very often unless I'm travelling or have a client or I'm out hiking. Then, each of those situations have their very own set routine I have pretty much worked out to a science.
Travelling is the least restrictive, as the reason I'm doing the trip is to breakup the monotonous routines I've developed. Work is work, and I struggle through if its short term, but long term I incorporate it into my normal daily routine.
When I'm hiking, I'm truly in my element... which I'm certain is my current "interest" I will get into this in a later post. For now, I think its time to end this entry and get ready for bed soon...
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